Lawak lawak lawak!!!! 2 singgit 2 singgit!!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Alahai Mak Cik………

Suatu hari..seorang Makcik menyewakan salah satu biliknya
untuk seorang pemuda penyelidik nak buat kajian kat kampungnyer..
Penyelidik yang dah bersetuju tu pun menyewa la..
Malam tu..
Time penyelidik tu nak mandi..maklum ler bilik air kampung..
Dah tu dia tu..hensem lagi..muda lagi..
Makcik tu pun “semacam” ler..dia pun nak pi ngendap si anak muda nie mandi….
Makcik nie kantoi sekali..oleh pemuda tu..
Kali keduanya pun kantoi..nak ngendap nie..
Kali ketiganya..pemuda tu naik bengang dan bagi warning..
” Kalau makcik ngendap saya sekali lagi…saya rogol makcik!!!”
Kemudian..makcik tu keluarkan jari kelingking dan berkata…

” JANJI TAU..!!”

Burung Spesel

Pada suatu hari sorang suami baru pulang dari Brazil , membawa burung kakak tua yang sangatlah spesel..
Si isteri bertanya..pada si suami..
” Abang..buat aper beli burung tu..?! Kan mahal tu..!”
Suami menjawab..
” Ala takper..burung ni spesel..tengok nie..”
Suaminya mengangkat tangan kanan dan memetik jarinya…burung itu terus menyanyi lagu POP..
Si isteri sangat suka..dan menyuruh suaminya mengangkat tangan kiri plak..
Si suami..berbuat demikian dan memetik jarinya.. dan burung itu terus menyanyi lagu ROCK pula..
Si isteri pun suka dan bertanya..
” Abang, kalau kita angkat kedua-dua tangan plak camner..?”
Suaminya menjawab..” Awak cuba la buat..”
Si isteri mengangkat kedua2 tangannya dan memetik jarinya..lalu..burung itu pun berkata…


mengandung anak gajah??????

Seorang lelaki yang badannya gendut naik kereta
api. Penumpang sangat penuh maka lelaki itu
terpaksa berdiri. Dia merasa ada yang
menyenggolnya lalu lelaki itupun melihat
kebelakang. Ada seorang ibu hamil yang juga
sedang berdiri. Melihat wanita hamil itu maka
lelaki bertanya pada wanita itu :

Lelaki: Hi… kakak hamil ya ?
Ibu hamil : Iya udah tahu tanya lagi (kata wanita
dengan nada kesal)

Lelaki: Isinya orang ya, kak ?
Ibu hamil : Iya (dengan nada kesal, lalu
bertanya)Encik hamil juga ya?

Lelaki: Iya (Sambil ketawa)
Ibu hamil : (Karena merasa jawaban lelaki itu
tidak sopan dia melanjutkan pertanyaannya) Isinya
orang ya?

Lelaki: Bukan, isinya anak gajah (sambil ketawa lagi).
Ibu hamil : (terkejut, lalu ketawa)

Lelaki: Laa… kenapa ketawa? (dengan bingungnya)
Ibu hamil : Oh isinya anak gajah, ya… patutlah
belalainya keluar( sambil menunjuk seluar lelaki
yang lupa dikancing)


Skandal Doktor

Seorang lelaki yang kebetulan seorang doktor muda, merasa tidak selesa dengan apa yang telah berlaku.
Ia pulang ke rumah dengan wajah muram.
Setibanya di rumah, ia merebahkan diri di katil dan fikirannya mula melayang
Lalu ia mendengar suara dalam kepalanya berkata,
“Sudahlah, tidak usah difikirkan. Skandal doktor membuat hubungan intim
dengan pesakit terjadi di mana-mana.
Jadi kamu tidak perlu merasa bimbang.”
Doktor tersebut cuba untuk setuju, tapi apa yang telah terjadi pagi
itu terbayang kembali dan perasaan tidak selesa muncul lagi.
Ia membalikkan badan dan mendengar lagi suara dalam kepalanya,
“Tak perlu bimbang,orang sudah mula biasa dengan skandal hubungan seksual
antara doktor dan pesakitnya.”
Lelaki itu mulai tenang dan perasaannya beransur-ansur pulih…
Tiba-tiba suara lain dalam kepalanya berkata,
“Tapi masalahnya kamu kan doktor haiwan”


Sorang taukeh kedai restoren sedang mengira pinggan mangkuk di kedainya…

- 13 mangkuk pecah

- 5 mangkuk retak

- 2 mangkuk hilang


- 1 mangkuk hayun sedang baca entri ini.

hahahaha. Jangan marah ye...


MU sux!!!!

Monday, October 26, 2009

people said picture worth a thousand word......i won't believe it until i saw this picture......

hahaha....great job Liverpool lad....


Reader digest best jokes

Saturday, October 17, 2009

A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
“Twenty years,” replied the guide.
‘You Indians are a lazy lot,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have
been built in five.’
At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to
‘Only ten years,’ said the guide.
The tourist retorted: ‘You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.’
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t
know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.


Overheard at the veterinarian’s: ‘I had my cat neutered. He’s still out all
night with the other cats, but now he’s a consultant.’


When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he
turned her down, saying: ‘Your salary is already higher than that of the
secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.’
‘Excuse me,’ the efficient woman replied, ‘I thought we got paid for what we
produce here—not for what we produce at home in our own time.’


Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was
losing his temper. ‘Be careful,’ he said to his wife. ‘You’ll bring out the beast
in me.’
‘So what?’ his wife shot back. ‘Who’s afraid of a mouse?’


Aman was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he’d outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car’s speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and
pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: ‘Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and I’ll let you go.’
The man thought for a moment and said: ‘Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me.’
No ticket.


A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written
examination. Since he was the Chief’s nephew, the examiner decided to go
easy on him with the oral test.
“Who shot Abraham Lincoln?”, asked the examiner.
The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have
sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back
the next morning.
When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, “Well, how did it go?
Did you get the job?”.
“I think so,” he replied. “They have already got me working on a case”.


Cyanide and Happiness

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


hell for you!!!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Two non muslim men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded
the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to
have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi
Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims

The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy
laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I
refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time
I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!"
The couple fidgeted.

The other guy responded, "Oh, can't go ANYWHERE to get away
from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them
The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll
never see me in Indonesia... WAY too many Muslims!"

At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't
you go to Hell?", he asked, "I heard there's NO Muslim THERE!"


Death and Citibank???

It's all about money for CitiBank Credit Cards when you die... ... This is too funny! It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is... .

My Aunt died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge... the balance had been $0.00... Now it was somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

CitiBank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Me: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections'

CitiBank: 'Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.'

Me: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

CitiBank: 'Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!'

Me: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

CitiBank:'... excuse me... ?'

Me: 'Did you just get what I was telling you... the part about her being dead?'

CitiBank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!'
(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

CitiBank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Me: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

CitiBank: '... ..(stammer)' '... . Are you her lawyer?'

Me: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Me: 'Sure.'

(Fax number is given)

(After they get the fax.)

CitiBank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death'

Me: 'Oh... '

CitiBank: 'I don't know what more I can do to help..'

Me: 'Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose... Don't really think she will care... .'

CitiBank: 'Well... the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Me: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
CitiBank: 'That might help.'

Me: 'Nilai Memorial Park Cemetery ( North South Highway and plot number given.)

CitiBank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Me: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet?'


Mr Samy and driver

Samy Vellu and his driver, Muniandy, were cruising along a Sungai Siput country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car.

Muniandy tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed. Samy Vellu told Muniandy to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, Muniandy staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Samy Vellu.

"Well," Muniandy replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters were so happy they kept kissing me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Samy Vellu.

Muniandy replied: "I'm Samy Vellu's driver, and I just killed the old cow."