Sunday, August 22, 2010
Joe had a very severe headache and decided to see a doctor.
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine
, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.‘
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.‘ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.‘
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see … size 44 long‘
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘
‘Been in the business 60 years!‘ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?‘
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.‘
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘
‘Been in the business 60 years.‘
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?‘
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.‘
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see…size 36.’
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.‘
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.‘
Update at last....
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His teenage son is also at the table eating.
Jack asks, ‘Son, what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’
Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! … Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Al-kisah…..adalah satu kampung ni..nama kampung ni kampung pinang 18 batang. Kat kampung ni orang ramai idup aman dan bahagia. Dalam kampung yang aman ni..adala sorang laki ni. Nama dia Ali (nama sebenar). Ali ni orang gila kat kampung ni. So..ramai la yang pandang slag kat dia. Ramai la yang suka memainkan dia.. nak dijadikan cerita…
Pada suatu hari..si Ali ni gi la masjid nak semayang jumaat…ey..ni educated nyer orang gila tau..semayang tak tinggal. Contohilah dia ni. Sedangkan orang gila pun semayang…korang yang siuman ni pun semayang la gak ek.. ok….sambung citer. Lepas si Ali ni semayang jumaat, dia nak balik la kan . So..masa dia nak balik tu tetiba dia tengok selipar jepun kesayangannye dah takdek. Aper lagi…mengamukla dia…
Tanpa segan silu dia pun pegi la dekat mikrofon masjid tu lalu dia pun berkata: “kepada sesiapa yang mencuri selipar aku, baik ko pulang cepat!!!!!!!…” Semua orang menjadi takut..ye la..orang gila kan ..memacam dia buleh buat. Buatnya dia tetak anak bini orang…..kang..ha..naya.. Diulang sekali lagi…”kepada sesiapa yang curik selipar kesayangan aku tu..baik ko pulang cepat. Kalau tak aku akan buat seperti mana ayah aku buat!!!” lalu orang yang curik tu pun pulang la balik. “lek la bang.. gurau jek”….
Tapi Ali memandang nyer dgn muka yang serius..muka macam nak makan orang gitu…
Haa…lalu budak yang curi selipar dia tu pun blah tanpa memandang ke arah Ali.. takut la tue… lalu tok imam pun menegur Ali dan bertanya “kalau dia tak pulang apa yang akan kamu lakukan..?? apa yang ayah kamu lakukan..??” dengan suara dan wajah yang slamber….Ali pun berkata “saya balik kaki ayam la tok….”
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
- Speak only in a "robot" voice.
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
- Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Sniffle incessantly.
- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
- Name your dog "Dog."
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
- Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
- Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
- Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
- Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Drum on every available surface.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
- Set alarms for random times.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
- When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
- Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Drive half a block.
- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
- Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
- Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact..
- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
- Make appointments for the 31st of September.
- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.