Sunday, August 22, 2010
Joe had a very severe headache and decided to see a doctor.
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine
, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.‘
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.‘ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.‘
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see … size 44 long‘
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘
‘Been in the business 60 years!‘ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?‘
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.‘
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?‘
‘Been in the business 60 years.‘
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?‘
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.‘
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see…size 36.’
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.‘
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.‘
Update at last....
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His teenage son is also at the table eating.
Jack asks, ‘Son, what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’
Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! … Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS